Why I Shoot Boudoir
My story
I bet if you let your mind drift to a memory that made you feel badly about your body a whole stream of them would come. When I was 6 I remember being at a Target with my older second cousins (in their 30s). We were there to get me a bathing suit so I could swim at an impromptu pool gathering at another family member’s house. I saw this shiny almost iridescent yellow one piece bathing suit and I was in LOVE. I pointed it out and asked for it. As my one older cousin ( the skinny one) reached to get it off the highest rack she looked at the other one (she has always been overweight though I’m not sure I would think this when I was 6) and laughed as she said “I would never wear yellow, it shows everything! Enjoy it, you won’t want to wear this too long.”
I remember feeling shame instantly, but I wasn’t sure why. I felt bad and it felt connected to the bathing suit. This experience would stick with me and I would replay it over and over in my head throughout the years, as I learned to hate my body, to think I was fat, and to HATE shopping for and wearing bathing suits. I have almost cried several times writing this, having a hard time swallowing, but my baby and partner are sitting next to me and yet again my shame stops me from showing this vulnerability. Ugh the cycle is exhausting. I would go on throughout my life and attach every negative experience or thought about my body to this, like I was creating a mountain that I could never conquer. **Spoiler Alert** It’s still a struggle but I am always trying to catch myself when I am being negative. I am currently the heaviest I have ever been in my life because my body just made a whole new human. I am the heaviest and most accepting and in awe I have ever been. Kind of ironic but true.
In all honesty I began shooting boudoir photography business because I knew that working to help other women feel good about their bodies would be healing for me. We try to escape the pressures society puts on women about how to look, how to feel, how to carry ourselves, what things to buy, what things to wear and how to make up our faces. Even though we try to avoid it and tell ourselves that we want different things and that those expectations aren’t real, they STILL get internalized and we feel them and believe them even if it’s just unconsciously or subconsciously. It can be hard to separate those internalized aspects of misogyny and our own real thoughts.
Every woman and every girl has a story about their “not enough-ness”. I wasn’t skinny enough to wear that dress or that swimsuit, not beautiful enough to be asked to that dance, not feminine enough to fit in with that group, and on and on. We are taught to never feel like we’re enough. We are always supposed to be striving to be better, more accomplished, more beautiful, skinnier, healthier. Healthier is good :) Women fight and work towards feeling secure in their own skin and their own body and so doing a Boudoir photoshoot about body love is exactly the opposite of what we’re taught in our culture. This is my goal when I shoot boudoir.
I discovered that shooting boudoir is a magical experience. The women come in nervous ands leave feeling so happy. It is just so amazing to witness. We get hair and makeup done and their first comment “OH MY GOSH!!!!” That gets me. We are already off to a great start. They are feeling great then we begin to shoot and things get a little awkward again. I make some jokes, answer all the questions, and make myself even more awkward than them so we can bond about that lol. It’s true. They loosen up quickly and then I get some great shots and when I get to show them the back of the camera they are reassured. We do this over and over through all of the sets and by the time we are done everyone is tired and so happy. They cant wait to see the photos. When they come for their ordering session they are always blown away and cannot believe what they are seeing. “This is what I see through my lens” I tell them. And we all live happily ever after. Stronger and more confident to fight another day!
